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 Cart Rustlers

Swim Lessons

(open up on Pickle and Peanut in the neighborhood) Peanut: (sprays hose) Garden hose ginsu! Pickle: Edamame! (the hose causes a variety of problems around the neighborhood) Lady: (her head falls off) I'm okay! Peanut: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Time out. All this coolin' off is hard work. You know where we should go, man. The pool. Pickle: I don't know. The pool? Isn't it super gross in there? Peanut: Nah, man. All that cool liquid all over your body, it's chlorine and science water. Come on, it's too hot to be out here sweatin' it up like a couple of dumb bags. Pickle: No. I don't wanna go. Peanut: You crazy? What's wrong with the pool? Pickle: Buddy, gotta tell you a secret. Peanut: Hey, lay it on me, man. The Peanut vault's open. Pickle: I can't swim. Peanut: You can't SWIM?! (echo) SWIM?! SWIM?! SWIM?! Lady: That's a survival skill, dummy. Pickle: Shhh. Shhh. Peanut: How do you not know how to swim? Pickle: I never figured it out as a kid, so...I gave up. Peanut: You know, you can take lessons. Pickle: (gasps) Swimming lessons? (starts fantasizing about swimming class) Teacher: The kinetic oscillation of the butterfly is equal in frequency to the latest viscosity of the surrounding... (scene shifts to Pickle getting his swimming diploma) Man: Congratulations, Pickle. You can swim. Pickle: My dreams are coming true. (scene shifts to Pickle with his wife) Pickle: All right, honey. I'm off to work. Pickle's wife: I love you, Pickle. Always.

(cut back to Pickle and Peanut in real life) Pickle: Yes. Let's do it. Peanut: Yes! Pickle: I'm gonna learn how to swim. Peanut: Yes! Pickle: And my wife will love me forever! Peanut: Your wife is so hot.

(cut to Pickle and Peanut driving to swimming class) Pickle/Peanut: ♪ Swimming in the pool, swim ♪ ♪ Swimming in the pool ♪ ♪ Your mamma likes to swim cold ♪ ♪ Swimmin' in the pool ♪

Pickle: Swimmin' at the pool, your mamma likes to swim. Peanut: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Slow there, baby boy. You gotta lose that T-shirt. Pickle: Why? Peanut: 'Cause you can't get pool babes with a baggy old toga shirt on. Pickle: No, I gotta wear it. I'm not comfortable showin' off my upstairs. (Pickle and Peanut are shown arguing. Peanut sees underneath Pickle's shirt.) Peanut: You know, when you're right, you're right. Come on, this is gonna be fun. Lifeguard: Swimming is not about fun! What happens if you fall into a lake and can't swim, huh? You're dead. What happens if you're at the beach, and a rogue wave sweeps you away? Dead! What happens if you say you're gonna meet me at the movie theater at 7:30? But, it's 7:45 and I'm waitin' around. Where's Brian? Where's Brian? Dead! You miserable excuses for athletes will be classified at the Sardine level for beginners only. Pickle: Sweet patch. You guys, this is gonna be so great. Peanut: Well, uh, good luck, man. I'm gonna be off by the slides and stuff, all right? Pickle: You're not gonna take the class with me? Peanut: Nah, my friend. I'm a fully certified scorpion-level swimmer, so, I'm gonna go work on my back flips. Lifeguard: And now, I'll turn things over to your instructor, Kylie. May Neptune favor you! Kylie: Hi, guys. Welcome to your first swim lesson. My name is Kylie, and I'll be your swim teacher today. (Peanut gets attracted to Kylie.) Echoing voice: Female, female, female. Attraction, attraction, attraction. Tankini, tankini, tankini. Kylie: Okay, everybody. Let's first pair up. (Peanut raises his hand.) Kylie: With a classmate. Peanut: Ah, yeah, I get it. You're right. Let's just go catch a movie sometime. Kylie: Uhhhh. Look. i'm flattered, I guess, but that is just not going to happen, ever. Come on, guys. Let's get going. Pickle: Hey, swim friend. My name is Pickle. And I was wondering-- Girl: We're not here to make friends, T-shirt. Peanut: (to a boy) I guess it's just you and me. (the boy looks at him with a creepy look) Ugh! Kylie: Oh, Wayne, you finally have a partner this year. I'm surprised. Peanut: Oh, uh, what's the deal with Wayne? Kylie: Wayne's parents drop him off here every summer for a little, uh, time away. Wayne's not for everyone.

(cut to Wayne at his birth) Nurse: Congratulations, it's a boy. (Wayne makes a shocking look.)

(cut to Wayne at home) Wayne's mother: Wayne, meet Giggles. (Giggles gets shocked at Wayne's look.)

(cut to Wayne on Christmas) Santa: Ho ho ho. Hello, little. (gets creeped out at Wayne's look) Ugh!

(cut back to swimming class) Peanut: Look, stick with me, Wayne, and I'll show you how to have a good time. Just don't look at me directly in the face. Kylie: Okay, guys. Let's get ready for our first lesson. Pickle: Uh, I don't know anymore, Peanut. I'm startin' to freak out. Peanut: What? Pickle: I don't think I can do this. Peanut: Sure, you can. You got this. Pickle: But I'm scared. What if I drown? Will anyone remember me? Who'll take care of my hot wife and ugly kid? Peanut: You gotta calm down, buddy. Relax. Ain't that right, Champion Horse? Champion Horse: Don't worry about it. Pickle: Champion Horse is right. I can do this. Peanut: Yeah, and if you freak out, I'll be right here with Wayne. (Wayne looks at them in the face.) Pickle/Peanut: Ugh! Kylie: Okay, Sardines. Lesson one. Get in the pool. Let's try it out! Nice and easy now. No rush, guys. (all the students get in the pool successfully) Girl: (to Pickle) Ewww! Pickle: Get your mind out of the gutter, Cindy. Peanut: Hey, Wayne! Check this out! (splashes in the pool) (Wayne makes a creepy look.) Kylie: Okay, little swimmers. Now we're gonna try out pool noodles. We're just holding on and bobbing. Pickle: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! Peanut: Brrring, brrring. Hello. Looking for Wayne? Yeah, he's right here. (spits water at Wayne's face) Hahaha! Come on, Wayne. I'm hilarious. Kylie: Now, it's time for paddle boards. Peanut: Butt shark! (puts a paddle board in Peanut's butt) Hey, look, everybody! It's a butt shark! (Pickle goes underneath the water) Ugh! Oh, no, everybody! Out of the pool! Oh, no! Kylie: Okay, guys. It's been a really long day, and I'm super proud...of most of you. Pickle/Peanut: ♪ Swimmin' in the pool, swim ♪ ♪ Swimmin' in the pool ♪ Kylie: But, now it's time for the final lesson. Diving board into the deep end. (Cindy jumps off the diving board.) Kylie: Nice job, Cindy. Who's next? Pickle: I can't do it, I can't do it. Peanut: Hey, now, come on, it's the last challenge. You're not gonna let a baby diving board and a couple feet of water stop you, are you? Pickle: Yes. Peanut: Okay, just relax. Remember Champion Horse? Champion Horse: I said don't worry about it. Pickle: Right. Don't worry about it. Peanut: There you go. Now, get on that board and dive into your destiny. Pickle: Okay! (looks below the diving board, becomes scared) Peanut: Yeah, man. There you go. Kylie: Don't be scared. You almost got it. Cindy: Squat or get off the pot, T-shirt. (Pickle gets scared and runs over to Peanut.) Peanut: Aw, Pickle. Pickle: I can't do it. I don't deserve to be called a Sardine. (takes off patch) Take me home. Peanut: Hey, pal. Don't give up so easily. Do you remember the story about Banjo the Beaver? With winter coming, Banjo thought he'd never finish building that dam. Pickle: Go on. (scene shifts to a live action sequence with Banjo the Beaver) Peanut: But he thought to himself, "Banjo, you can do it. You just have to be a busy little beaver, and you'll finish that dam in no time." Pickle: Was it a big dam? Peanut: It was, pal. The biggest one any beaver had ever built. So, the whole autumn, Banjo worked his little tail off. (scene shifts back to Pickle and Peanut) He worked day and night to finish that dam. Pickle: So, did he do it? Did Banjo finish the dam? Peanut: No, he died. Banjo's dead. A hunter shot most of his face off. It was...ooh...gross. But, Banjo never gave up, and that's the important part. He never gave up. Kylie: Hey, I couldn't help but overhear your beaver story. Look, when we started class, I thought you were an obnoxious jerk. But, after seeing how much you care about your friend, I'm realizing that there might be a little more to you. You know what? I will go on a date with you. Peanut: Yes! Kylie: But, it has to be a double date. Pickle: A double date? Kylie: With my sister Mylie. Pickle: Sounds great. I can't wait to meet her. Kylie: You can meet her now. She's right here. (pulls off her pink cap) Mylie: Hi! Peanut: Ah! Secret sister! (ends up jumping in the water) Pickle: Peanut. (other swimming class students gasp) Peanut: Help! I got water in my nose! Wayne, throw me that life preserver! Wayne, buddy. Come on! Stop messin' around, Wayne. (Wayne flushes down Peanut.) Pickle: I'm comin' for you, buddy. (Pickle and Peanut get flushed down the drain.) Pickle/Peanut: AAAAAAAHHHHH! Alligators! AAAAAAAHHHHH! Sharks! Man: Hey, spare any change? Pickle/Peanut: Radioactive monster! People: All hail the Rat King. Rat King: Where are your sacrifices? Soldier: Stay tight, men. We're closing in on the Rat King. (Peanut starts drowning.) Pickle: Oh my gosh. Peanut. Oh, no. Oh no. What do I do, what do I do, what do I do? Think, Pickle, think. Banjo: Hey, Pickle, look, it's me, Banjo Beaver. I got my head put back on, and I finished that dam, I never gave up, and if you never give up like I never gave up-- Pickle: Not now, Banjo. I gotta save my friend. (grabs Peanut and brings him to the surface) (Pickle and Peanut cough.) Peanut: Pickle? You saved my life. You did it. You're swimming. Pickle: I'm finally a Sardine! (Pickle and Peanut imitate gunfire.) Pickle/Peanut: ♪ Swimmin' in the pool, swim ♪ ♪ Swimmin' in the pool ♪ ♪ Your mamma likes to swim cold ♪ ♪ Swimmin' in the pool ♪ Pickle: Freestyle. Peanut: Butterfly. (the word "BREASTSTROKE" appears onscreen)

(cut back to Kylie) Kylie: I am very proud of you all. Mylie: Yay! Kylie: You've all worked very hard today. Mylie: I am having fun. Kylie: Congratulations, Sardines. I hereby declare each of you Scorpion-level swimmers. Here are your achievement patches. That'll be fifty bucks. Mylie: Cash only. Pickle: It's so beautiful. Peanut: I already have one. Thanks. Pickle: This is the best day of my life! Peanut: I'm gonna toss mine in the garbage. (to Wayne) Wayne, buddy. 'Sup, pool partner? Hey, thanks for pulling that emergency drain lever. You totally saved our lives. What do you say? We cool? (puts his patch on Wayne's other eye) Psyche! That's for tryin' to kill us, you creep! Pickle/Peanut: ♪ Swimmin' in the pool, swim ♪ ♪ Swimmin' in the pool ♪ ♪ Your mama likes to swim cold, ♪ ♪ Swimmin' in the pool ♪ (Wayne's creepy look is shown to the viewers. The episode ends.)


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